CHILDREN’S DAY MAKEOVER

CHILDREN, OUR PRIDE, OUR FUTURE!

Uche @ 5, adorned in a Nigerian outfit.

May 27th is a day set aside to celebrate our children. Children's Day Celebration provides an opportunity for reflection on the conditions of Nigerian children. The story hasn't quite changed so much from one of lamentation. The plight of the Nigerian Child is undesirable, and ultimately the non implementation of the Child Rights Act and the benefits therein. 
Children's Day in Nigeria is seemingly reserved as public holiday for children, and some children engage in lively activities which are considered as part of the characteristics of the day. A number of children go to various stadia to actively participate in parades and marches and listen to speeches of various leaders. In some cases, there are varieties of parties to choose from, with lots of food, drinks, merriments, dancing as well as games, as the case may be. 

I remember our childhood days, children's day afforded us the opportunity to engage in match past and traditional dances at our various stadia, we always looked forward to May 27th every year as well as October 1st our independent day celebration; this is hardly the case any more. In todays Nigeria the children are left for the parents to decide what level of fun activity to engage their kids with, therefore while the celebration bring laughter and joy to a section of people it brings tears and dismay to another section. Who are these people- Children of the affluent and the not so affluent! 

The rich folks can afford a roller coaster ride and a merry go round for their children. They will say, “let’s take a trip to the Bahamas, its Children’s Day!” They are those who feel delighted watching their children ride on a luxury horse with a candy stocked in mouth and a handy toy all at hand. A rich man will say “come on, throw away your Phone and have this Blackberry Touch”. Only a well-to-do man will do all of these.

On the contrary children from the other side of the divide may not even have the luxury of fun watching the various celebration on television but will hear words like stop watching TV and go help your mom in the kitchen on a children’s day! because the child is likely to watch other children on TV stations who are enjoying themselves by reason of the season. The child from this other divide will have to hawk bread on the street to gather money for fees, their parents will tell this children how ‘big men’ do all manner of terrible things to get money. He is full of sorrow, pain, anguish and confusion. He is not a happy man.

Some Nigerian children in the game of Punch Balls

These two kinds of people are easily seen in our communities today. Sometimes there are alterations or changes in the degree of wealth and the degree of poverty. But the case remains, there are two variables of sharp conflicting terms. You are either up or down. Perhaps, in the middle, the truth remains that there is a difference. Now, because of the social barrier and economic demarcation so many of the well-to-do clique separate themselves entirely from those less privileged because we think that they are of less class. However, it is very important to note here that the Children’s Day celebration is not a thing of sect. It is supposed to be an emancipation and networking of children of varying diversities, from bottom to top. The Children’s Day celebration should take a reflexive notion in that people who are self-sufficient should think about those that are not able to measure up. In other words, the haves and have nots are to be seen doing things together, sharing and celebrating love for themselves irrespective of all differences. Children’s day is supposed to be a day marked with a lot of activities for children. But the fact remains that only a section of the country’s children actually have an opportunity to celebrate their existence. Schools organize events and activities that their students thoroughly enjoy, but there is an entire populace of young ones that are left behind on this special day – the downtrodden street children. On this notion, we add, Instead of celebrating it with pomposity in schools and clubs and fun centers, why not bring a smile into the lives of children who are less privileged. While celebrating being a child, the fortunate ones should be reminded about their good fortune to have all that they are endowed with, while there are others who can barely feed or clothe themselves. Thus, while this day was instituted to provide children with basic Rights, maybe we can make a difference to a child’s life by doing something special. Parties and celebrations happen all the time, but how about taking the unfortunate children, the homes that shelter street children and have them befriend those kids, donating clothes, toys, stationery, books, etc. This will really create a lasting impression and show the true meaning of the children’s day and we believe this will go a long way in making this years children's day a remarkable one.

We urge those who are in a better economic and social positions to please, look out for those hungry kids on the street and even in ‘hidden’ places and show them some love instead of leaving them out to nurse their pain on a day they should be happy and celebrating with other children. You don’t have to give all you have or create a scene, make it simple, a little will go a long way to reassuring those children of a future for themselves. We do hope that you who is reading this will take a step towards achieving this goal.

WMN. 

ARNOLD/ MARIE MARRIAGE CRASH

Arnold and Marie

Working Moms Nigeria captures another scintillating, mind-boggling and yet disappointing story about a former movie star, ex-governor and body builder, Arnold Schwarzenegger who has been caught up in messy dung just less than a year after heading out of the California Governor's Mansion.  Movie star Arnold Schwarzenegger and his wife Maria Shriver, who hails from the John F. Kennedy bloc, a journalist,  a  writer  and former first lady of the state of California have announced a dissolution of their 25 years old marriage.

The reasons the couple separated have been narrowed to a claim that has actually been admitted by Arnold himself who had an extra-marital affair with another woman. The affair translated to a son from the woman who had been allegedly eyeing Arnold for decades. The woman in question Mildred Patricia Baena, who goes by Patty Baena was a housekeeper/assistant for the family for 20-plus years. Her jobs included cleaning, laundry, cooking and other chores for Arnold and Maria Shriver. Patty had previously told friends that they'd have unprotected sex during the day at the house, where Patty Baena sometimes stayed overnight. And all the while no one caught them in the act. Sadly enough, when she became pregnant, she didn't tell Arnold he was the father. And unfortunately too, Arnold didn't learn he was the dad until the boy was a toddler, which would have been right around his first run for governor, or possibly after.  Mildred Patricia Baena, who made $1,200 per week, was treated well by Arnold before, and especially after he found out. Sources say he was "always generous”. The affair took place over a decade ago, and Patty Baena continued to work for the family until this year when the cat was unintentionally let out of the bag. Arnold confessed to his wife of 25 years that he fathered a child with the house-help around the same time that Maria was pregnant with their youngest son, Christopher, now 13. The heartbroken Shriver moved out of the family mansion into a Beverly Hills hotel, leaving the kids with their father in Brentwood. It's unclear why he told his wife, but the revelation apparently caused her to move out of the family's mansion abruptly. Shriver who had struggled with the death of her father Sargent Robert Shriver added in a statement: “This is a painful and heartbreaking time,” Shriver said in her first public acknowledgement of the family scandal since the former Governator, her husband dodged philandering rumors and later admitted paternity of the child to the Los Angeles Times. This is not quite a huge blow somehow on many who are aware and used to the rhythms of the Hollywood marriages and the meanderings coupled in it. How bad, this is yet another Hollywood marriage collapse.

Arnold, Marie and Children

WM Critics:  A quick look into the marriage ills suffered in the case of Arnold and Marie can be attributed to a whole lot of reasons but one out of all stands insurmountably erect. This is the aspect that the Working Moms Nigeria tends to give an outlook on: A telescopic evaluation of the marriage crash of the couple can be predicated on retarded responsiveness on the side of both couple especially the woman, and gross absentness  from the key roles and functions of a woman in her family. Irrespective of the career pursuits and personal targets of a mom, she is expected to pan her eyes always on her family issues meticulously. When work and ambition drags mom  away from home, the happenings in her immediate family unit becomes alienated to her in the sense that she becomes a novice to the things she should have had cognizance and also what she could have proffered solutions or remedy to in the first place. Marie nursed so many projects and ambitions which took her way out of home and divided her attention too. She was a woman whose public name and stature mattered very much. And of course an intelligent woman from the pedigree of the former US president, Kennedy, constantly sighted in spotlight thrilling her audience as wife of a movie star as well as the California First lady.  Perhaps her place in the family was sort of fragmented and a whole lot went into the ditch in an ironic short time of 25 years. 

Domestic Staff turned Baby mama, Baena

Critically, an effective working mom who has inculcated the working ingredients of a working mom and also imbibed the realistic purpose of marriage and saving marriage will hardly get entangled in a shocker as this. Marie was detached from her husband somehow that she was utterly clueless as to knowing about her husband’s misbehavior and change in attitude. Because there must be a lead however to help one discover some ‘shady dealings’ in your home or relationship and ones you are detached or shut out from your husband either emotionally or physically, you cannot place your guess and often times cannot even sense a dead rat.
The ultimate lesson therefore is clear and usually preached on the Working Moms blog. Moms have to allocate more and more time to family. Yes, you want to achieve your career aims, yes! But, a second thought will do one a pretty much favourable good because if Marie had done lots of second thoughts, perhaps she would have known that the household keeper had got a twist in the past last decade. Its such a long time to gather traces and combine bits to make the map of an idea which Marie never had. Apparently, for a decade plus she had been insensitive enough to know that her husband has a relationships with the cook of the house. Its ridiculously shameful for that Arnold who was in a position of trust will disrespect his wife to this point!  It is a sad event to me as a wife and mother. A mom sacrifices a lot to be everything to everyone but at the end, I ask myself, what really are we doing to ourselves. Is it best to just stay and work at home or work outside home? whichever way we go, Arnold will still be Arnold!

The bottom line is: 

•         Moms Should Allocate more quality time to their families.
•         Longstanding female staffs should attend family end of year parties with their kids "inspection"  
•          Make your family No1 on your priority list. 
•          Grease your relationship with your spouse
•         Enhance inter-personal rapport with your spouse
•         Conduct clandestine investigations within  and outside the spheres of your home to find out  things yourself, do not entertain gossip
•         Don’t get carried away by fame or fortune.
•         Call yourself to order and give yourself a timeline to return back home.

All these out of a striking lot are working ingredients deplorable to keep and nurture your home and marriage. My Advice to all married spouses: If You're thinking about doing something immoral, illegal, unethical, that will come back to haunt you, your family, your job etc. later...DON'T DO IT!!!

WMNG

2 Little Souls Plucked Out- Moms Should Take Heed!

To many it was a gory story, and to a whole lot of others it is a case of intriguing puzzle. Who solves the riddle of this nerve-wrecking and gruesome story- No track, No lead, No witness, as two lonely kids were found dead in their mom’s giant deep freezer. 

A great amount of folks out there haven't heard this horrible story of how a mom locked up her 2 little kids, Harrison 7 and Favour 5, both pupils of Community Day Care/Primary School, Agbor in Delta State. Oblivious of tragedy, this mom came back to meet a shocker: bodies of her children stocked up in her deep freezer, and her room floor painted with her own children’s blood. How tragic!

A trusted source (Vanguard Newspapers) had gathered on May 9, 2011 that the victims’ mother had allegedly locked up them up in her one-bedroom apartment and went to the market only to return to find the kids stone dead in her freezer. The woman who is a single parent said she suspects a  foul play, noting that blood was found trickling from both the mouth and nose of the children.  

According to her "when I returned from the slaughter, I went straight to where I kept the key to the house but to my surprise, the key was nowhere to be found". 

State Police Public Relations Officer, PPRO, Charles Muka told Vanguard, Sunday that  the police are investigating the matter and so far no arrest has been made; the woman in question locked her  kids inside (her apartment) and took the keys away" said Charles Muka.

It is certain that  the tragedy will be engraved in the mind of this woman, her relatives and concerned Nigerians who have been savouring the bitter taste of the news since its occurrence. Yes! One will ask this probing question; why on earth would a mom leave these two little kids at home alone? A whooping amount of people have asked questions over and over again and its not far from the frames of a rhetorical inquiry. Sadly, nobody is giving a succinct detail. It is quite painful that this single mom had left her two healthy kids alone without care, supervision nor help. Perhaps, it was a routine- an everyday practice. Ironically, some person will call it fate or nemesis that has caught up with her. But again, you cannot summarily submit that it was intentional.  Even though some would rather remain silent in matters like this.  The truth is that it was very wrong of this woman or any mother for that matter to have left her kids all alone to the hands of rebouncing echoes of their own voices in the house. Apparently this kids probably would have wailed, muffled or whimpered for help in their few last minutes. How excruciating! How distressing!

It's time moms became more conscientiously involved with their family. Children and their welfare are our  primary responsibility. The manner at which we moms neglect our children in pursuit of other stuffs like ambition and career MUST be trimmed.  We should be able to balance the two. What makes you a mom is your ability to give care and love to your kids irrespective of circumstances and boundaries. It is quite unfortunate that in this part of the world and other places in Africa, moms are trying hard to juggle between making a living and catering for the family. The economic situation has contributed in making more moms delve into a whole lot of things in order to make sure that the family bread is sustained. Realistically, this is one of the reasons things like this happen. But we believe that the reason you are a moms is nothing far-fetched from taking full responsibility of your kids, being around to nurture them as well as foster maximum care and support in all they do. Understanding why your kids do what they do and how you can proffer solutions to ills emanating from juvenile delinquency, youthful exuberance and so on is a crucial criteria that makes you a mom.

A super mom is that mom that is able to balance work, family and her inter-personal relationships. Even as she does other stuffs, she still spends quality time with her family. A real mom is nothing other than an emotional cover and pavilion her children have; deprive your child that closeness and motherly care and support, then be sure to entertain a myriad of distressing happenings and occurrences like the said mom who initiated the writing of this story. Moms should not be out of sight leaving little kids in the hands of fate to decide their premature destiny. A working mom is expected to have a qualified nanny in the home to take care of kids while she is away pursuing career, business, or meeting her other needs. It is advisable to have your kids watched over by trusted neighbors, friends or relatives instead of leaving them all alone. Leaving your kids to themselves is no option at all.

Agreeably, the single event of this mother of two is believed to have left indelible marks on the minds of moms all over Nigeria. This is a clarion call to all moms to stand up to their responsibility as mothers and firsthand caretakers of the priceless gifts of children. Literarily, the case of this mom whose kids were marred has seemingly presented itself as a tearful case study. Moms out there who are wise and would not want to be blamed or weep almost forever would quickly imbibe the ‘little’ advise given here and use it as a guide. We do hope that a tragic happening of this sort does not happen again. Moms please take heed.

MOMFIDENCE- HAVE YOU ZABBED ENOUGH?

 If the latest "breakthrough" child-development theory, parenting technique, or child-appropriate diet makes you worry or groan (or just want to lie down for a nap), it's time to make way for Momfidence! A concept coined to highlight just a few powerful working ideology attributed to working moms. It is pretty important for moms to have a good dose of  'Momfidence'  especially in her quest to keep family and work at harmonious equilibrium. 

You should have to be that priceless mom who knows just almost everything to do in any giving situation; taking control over her business and career, ensuring a healthy children who have a hamonius bond with you, merging home and work into priority list but putting home in the first and second in line before another. Momfidence involves nothing more complicated than, taking giant strides, being that talked about sweet mom, trusting your instincts, using common sense, and above all, hanging on to your humor.

Momfidence! is:
 

 * Using "perfect" only to describe such wonders as a ripe peach, a cloudless day at the beach, or a husband who does diapers and dinner. . . It has no application whatsoever in describing motherhood.
 

* Recognizing that there are appropriate times and places for lying, yelling, threatening, and saying "I told you so"
 

* Sending yourself to time-out-preferably with chocolate and/or your spouse and allocating quality to to your kids because they deserve it.
 

 * Being completely amnesiac about the day's exasperating transgressions when you peek in your children's bedrooms at night and watch them sleep.

How much Momfidence have you got to play that prominent and strategic role in the mom's scene?

How A Working Mom Can Spend More Time With Her Kids.

BY: Mary J.


As thousands of working mothers strive to help provide for the needs of their family, they are faced with all the household responsibilities too. And most importantly -- spending time with their kids.

It has been a proven fact that children who have been with mother through their young years generally develop emotional strength. The ability to face life's challenges with self confidence and understanding are far greater.

You compare this to a child that has been tended at a day care, or just left at home with an older sibling, it is very plain to see they lack the needed emotional strength that a mother naturally develops in her child as he or she grows.

The security of knowing mom is right there when you need her is vital to the security of a child. And when mom is not there - which happens when mother must go to work, it has more of an impact on the child than we know.

Now, I am not a professional in child development, but just state these facts as part of my own experience

Of necessity I am a working mother like many of you, yet I want to be there for my little girl. So I have done several things to help keep that connection open. Here are a few ideas for you:

1. If you must have them tended - use a relative

2. Get a cell phone for you and your child (if they are old enough)

3. Call multiple time in a day - talk right to your child

4. Bring little things home to your child

5. When you get home, spend quality time with your child

These are just a few things I have found help enormously. Calling and checking up on them through the day helps them to feel like you care. Have your kids do project to show you when you come home. When you are with them after work show a genuine interest in their school work, the projects they are doing, etc.

Yes, we moms also have other things to do at home like making meals, washing laundry, house cleaning, etc, etc. The list could go on forever. Most of us can't afford to spend money on housecleaning or maid service, so here are some things that might help streamline the home duties so you can put more time in with your kids:

1. Make fast, nutritious meals

2. Wash laundry more often and do it at night when the kids are asleep

3. Learn to clean up after yourself - this keeps the house clean

I hope you working mothers will find some useful information here and I hope the best for you and your family

BLACKBERRY MADNESS-A DIGITAL SLAVERY.

  Official Calls and Emails After Work Annoy Women More than Men.

Blackberry Phone

Mary ping me when you are done with your meeting…. Said my friend and professional collegue Sarah;

Haba Sarah, are you learning how to talk? Which one be ping you, abi you don turn to ping pong?

Ha ha ha! Mary, are you for real! You mean you don’t know about backberry ping, that reminds me, I don’t even have your pin; please what is your BB pin?

"Abeg Sarah leave me alone" I said. At the end of our conversation I started craving for a blackberry. I wanted to own one but didn’t want to buy it, I just wanted a gift of a Blackberry. Ask and it shall be given, in my case I was saying it out loud that someone should give me a Blackberry and behold my friend Okung, promised me a Blackberry. I was so thrilled at this and the very next week when I travelled to the UK , I quickly shopped for Blackberry pouches. When I got back to 9ja, I called my friend Okung to inform him that I have bought six different colours of BB pouches, for the BB he promised me. He then asked me; Which of the pouches did you buy?

….. see me see trouble; Okung BB na BB oh! which one you dey sef - I thought Blackberry has just a single phone type. My friend had a good laugh and said to me, the BB I have for you is the curve 3 it is not yet in the market but my friend in Dubai will send it down – oh boy; my BB arrived a few weeks ago and I have a curve 3 BB phone and Bold 2 BB pouches. The next thing on mind mind at the time was to buy a Bold 2 but right now, I feel like throwing away this curve. Infact At this point, I feel like I deserved a big, big raise for even allowing the BlackBerry into my home. What I couldn’t understand is why some of my collegues weren’t in such a fuss. I don’t want any additional BB, because the one I have can be huge distraction sometimes, especially when I’m off work and at home with my family.

Now as I read through a study published in the March issue of the Journal of Health and social behaviours , I feel it may have something to do with my being a woman. According to research conducted at the University of Toronto, women feel much more burdened than men when contacted about work outside of normal business hours. Looks like that proverbial ceiling just got reinforced with double-pane glass.

The researchers surveyed more than 1,000 Americans to find out how often they were contacted outside of the office via e-mail, phone or text for work-related matters. As expected, they found that women who were contacted frequently reported higher levels of psychological distress than women who were not at their job’s beck and call. However, men who found themselves tied to their phones, BlackBerrys or laptops after work did not display the same amount of distress that women did, even though the men were more likely to be in touch with supervisors, clients and coworkers outside of the office.

Psychological distress is the scientific term for the effects of emotional pain, stress and mental conflict. Researchers measured distress in their study by asking participants how often they had trouble concentrating, felt like they couldn’t get motivated, felt tired or run down or felt like everything was an effort. In a nutshell, psychological distress is that feeling of being utterly overwhelmed, exhausted and worn down. Not such a great state for doing well at work or for feeling good outside of it

The more often work interfered with family and other important relationships, the more distress women felt. However, it wasn’t because they couldn’t manage all of their responsibilities. The study found that women could juggle their work and family lives just as well as men could. The reason women felt more put out is guilt. Even though women are just as much a part of the workforce as men these days, they still feel a stronger responsibility to tend to the home front, say the study’s researchers. This can make women feel like they’re not doing a good-enough job if they allow work to intrude on family time. It’s less about the logistics and more about emotional connotations of letting work seep into the home.

Maybe you can’t turn off your BlackBerry, but there are ways to keep work from impinging on your personal life. For instance, how you spend your weekends can greatly determine how you feel about work come Monday morning, and how well you do your job. If you feel like your job is sucking the life out of you, find out how you can climbing to the top (or just get throughthe workweek) without sacrificing your sanity.

CAN MOM EAT HER CAKE AND HAVE IT?

"A mother's work is never done" (sigh). Just when you think you're through, you find you've only just begun. You aren’t the only one!

By  Mary Ikoku

Being a mother of four boys taught me to make choices in my life routine. Sometimes I want to be everything to everyone of them including my husband. But increasingly I have come to terms with the obvious truth; I can only be all  of it but I will end up as a 'stressed-out' Mom instead of a healthy and fulfilled mom to myself and my family. What is the kernel of my gist today, It is about balancing work and family. In my close to 10 years of marriage and 8 years of being a mom, I have made sacrifices, plans and counter plans to maintain a good balance. The plan I am about to share with you worked best for me while I worked from my home. Sometimes the pressure of balancing your work and parenting  can ultimately lead you to giving both your work and family less than they deserve, I believe it's time we find a new parenting strategy that will help you balance the pressures of both work and family. As a work from home mother, you can decide after reading this  to start setting  clear boundaries and managing your time effectively. By doing this,  you can dramatically reduce parenting stress as well as boost your parenting joy. So let’s get started.

Your happiness as a work at home mother depends on your commitment to following the parenting time management tips below:

Open door policy Banned!

I started my PR company from my home, I got very good clients whose accounts I still manage while working from home. How did I achieve?  I set my work hours and stick to those hrs. Unless your job requires you to answer the phone, answer it only on your schedule. A work at home mom has no time for distractions (especially from your kids and spouse—likely your biggest distractions). This only leads to low productivity. Make certain every member of your household knows the times of day when you are and are not available for interruptions, and stick with this schedule.

Family Involvement In What You do:

 Talk about what you do, ask your family to help solve work problems (children often find very creative solutions), and let them help you with small jobs like licking envelopes. Mrs. Ekundayo a work at home mom I know once asked her nine year old daughter to answer the business telephone when the receptionist called she was bereaved and wont be at work, on one of their biggest sales days. This boosted her daughter's self-esteem and also helped her appreciate how her mother's work put a roof over her head, food in her mouth and clothes on her back. 

N/B Make sure you know the strength of your child before you ask him/her to take your business call, some children are all-ready to play the worker role but some aren't. I didn't experiment this with my boys because I had to remind them most of the time to speak while on the phone. One of my sons will nod his head as a response to a question during  a telephone conversation! If you send such one to take a business call,  you can be sure that your client  receives deep silence as response to his inquiries.. Adapt Mrs. Ekundayo's style, only if you are sure of your child's ability to pull it off.

Don't Forget it's about quality time, not quantity time. 

When you are with your family, be with your family. Leave work behind so you can focus on them. "Light up" as soon as they come into the room and find fun ways to do mealtimes, and even clean-up times together. Half an hour of positive can prevent dozens of hours of misbehavior.

Consciously make the transition from work to home:

When it is family time, focus on the family. Make certain you have cleared the work cobwebs from your head. Write down your to-do list for the next day and ask yourself before you leave your desk, "How can I make my time with my family special?" Then smile and give them a hug when you see them. Too tired? Take a 20 minute nap, a quick walk, meditate for a short while or say a little prayer to let go of your day, so you can be all they deserve you to be.

Solve misbehavior time-wasters. 

I regularly hear variations on the complaint, "My kids are driving me crazy, but I'm too crazy to find time to learn how to stop them from driving me crazy." There are simple ways to motivate your children to want to be well behaved. Invest the time now, so you don't spend more time and frustration later on (which of course takes away from time you can devote to your work).

You Must devote time to Care for Your Self. 

The most critical key to your success as a career climbing mom or working at home mom is to nurture some of your needs so you can continually renew your passion for parenting. You need time to replenish your energy so you can be more efficient, productive and happy. With so much on your plate it is essential that you schedule a minimum of 20 minutes a day for your self. Before or after the kids are in bed is generally the easiest to stick with.

By the way, if putting your self-care needs first makes you feel guilty and selfish, then don't do it for you—do it for your family. It is time that caring for yourself  became a necessity, not a luxury so you can give more to all you do—at both work and home. Remember that if you are emotionally and physically healthy, you will be able to give more quality time to your family.

I hope this time-management tips above will allow even the busiest work at home mom to finally have her cake and eat it too. By successfully balancing work and family, you will model for your children a fulfilled and healthy woman and your family will no longer have to deal with a "burnout-mom" but a happy one!

Moms Please Get A Life: "All work and no play makes [Jane] a dull [girl]."

Five Steps To Creating Work-Life Balance

Forget dull! That's the least of your worries. Try irritable, stressed-out, depressed and anxious. All work and no play makes for some serious health and relationship troubles.

Take for example Chioma (not her real name), a 36-year-old Insurance Executive for a high-profile Telecommunications company in Lagos. She typically works 65 hours a week, which includes several hours nearly every weekend. Chioma loves her job. It's intellectually challenging, well paying and she likes most of her co-workers.

But the long hours have come at a cost. Her three-year marriage has become increasingly strained and she feels depressed much of the time.

Chioma's troubles are typical of many of the working parents I see: women (and men), mostly in their 20s and 30s, who have great difficulty striking a balance between meeting the demands of their professional lives and finding fulfillment in their personal lives.

And it's not just professional women who feel a lack of work-life balance. Many stay-at-home mothers feel the same sort of imbalance, the only difference being that their "office" is their home.

Regardless of the situation, overworked women often have similar symptoms: depression, anxiety, irritability and conflict or stress in their family or romantic relationships. The effects can be damaging and far-reaching: divorce, custody battles, substance abuse and health-related problems.

Often, work-life imbalance masquerades as depression, anxiety or marital discord. That's why I like to ask working moms how many hours a week they work and how many hours a week they spend doing social or fun activities. The discrepancy sometimes startles them, as it did with Chioma.

Two major warning signs involve a recent upsurge in irritability with significant others and a decrease in energy level at home. Sleep and appetite are often affected as well; weight gain is common, as is interrupted sleep.

For many women, a work-life imbalance can evolve gradually, and so the problem often isn't identified until it has reached near-crisis proportions.

How do you know if your work responsibilities start infringing on your well-being? Common warning signs of work-life imbalance include:

Bringing work home, working until very late at night and/or working on weekends 

Consistently canceling social plans due to work obligations or deadlines 

Depressed mood and/or low energy 

Poor sleep (including work-related dreams) 

Short fuse with significant other and/or children 

Change in appetite and weight 

It may start innocently enough. You take on a new client or project at work. Once your boss sees that you've smoothly handled that responsibility, he or she may ask for your assistance in future projects. Or if you're a stay-at-home mother, it may begin with volunteering for an event at your child's school, after which the staff may ask you to volunteer your time for other activities.

Before you realize it, you are routinely neglecting family and friends, and you are doing equally well at ignoring your own needs, like exercising, sleeping and connecting socially. In short, your work has taken over your life.

So, what to do to get it back? Fortunately, there are several simple techniques you can use.

1. Schedule social and personal time.


While it may seem like scheduling one more thing is contradictory to cutting back — particularly scheduling social or down time — carving out dedicated time may be the only way you actually do it. Just as you would do with a doctor's appointment, put social activities and personal time into your calendar; in pen, not pencil.

The point is to move from a general or vague idea to a specific, time-limited behavior.

To further stick to your planned schedule, it's important to tell others about these appointments, like a therapist, spouse or friend. If you tell it to someone else, it makes it all the more concrete.

2. Begin setting limits and boundaries with others.
Just because you're smart and ambitious, you don't have to volunteer for every new project or account at work. Remember, its quality, not quantity that you're after. So, if you're stretching yourself too thin, the quality of your work will likely suffer.

That's why it's important to give yourself permission to turn down new assignments.

To do this, practice assertive ways to say no. Like, "I appreciate you thinking of me, but with all of the other work I've got I don't think I have the time to devote to a project like that." Or, "Thank you for the offer, but I already have so much on my plate. When things slow down a little, I may be able to take on something new."

The point is to be assertive with your colleagues and bosses, which means being polite and respectful but firm in your denial. You may ruffle a few feathers but consider the alternative: consistently working evenings and weekends.

Being assertive also means paying close attention to your needs and taking them seriously. For example, remind yourself of the importance of your Wednesday night dinner with your spouse, or monthly club/association meeting. Do you really want to miss out on these things?

3. Ask for help.
At times, we all need some help from others. Contrary to what many people believe, asking others for help is not a sign of weakness but rather a mature and responsible approach to completing a task.

Too many women feel the burden of doing everything for everyone. A lot of women wind up doing a lot of things they don't really want to do. They don't ask others for help. Women take on the role of doing. A lot of mothers look at asking for help as a sign of weakness. You do all of these things, and your family begins to look at you as a superhero. People eventually treat us the way we portray ourselves.

4. Plan activities outside of the work day.
Your lunch break is an opportunity to enjoy some good food, socialize and, perhaps most importantly, temporarily change your environment. Take advantage by meeting a friend at a new restaurant or going for a walk.

Whatever you do, don't eat at your desk. This is not a healthy practice, physically or mentally. Go outside and get some fresh air. The work will be there when you return, and you will likely come back refreshed and recharged.

Plan vacations, even three-day weekends, way ahead of time. For example, start thinking how you want to spend your weekend or holiday leave. It's important to schedule trips so that you have fun things to look forward to. Otherwise, your time at work can seem endless.

5. Remind yourself of your values and priorities.
Finally, you may need to reassess your values and remind yourself of the things that are most important in your life.

You probably won't remember the Monday night you worked until 11pm, but you will fondly recall the weekend at the beach with friends or the cozy dinner at home with your partner. The extra money made by all the long hours at work is nice, but if you don't have the time or energy to enjoy it, it won't mean much.

I Love You But I'm Not "In Love" With You Anymore

Has your spouse told you they weren't "in love" with you anymore? Well do I have news for you. The saying "I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore" is a worn out cliché. It's not possible to "fall out of love" because you weren't "in love" to begin with. The excuse "I'm not in love with you anymore" is nonsensical. Let me tell you why.


There is no such emotional condition as falling out of love; it's a justification for doing whatever you are planning on doing. It's a way to let your spouse down easy. What you're really feeling and should be saying is "I don't want to love you anymore". It usually means that the attitude towards your spouse and marriage is not what it once was. Perhaps you are talking yourself into having an affair or perhaps you have already had an affair.


The person who says "I'm not in love with you anymore" is searching for a feeling.
The marriage has stopped giving them a feeling they want and expect to have. It is an attitude that builds up after months and or years of a lifeless marriage - a marriage that has no intimacy. This is why quality time spent together (intimacy) is more important than sex in a marriage. Not that sex isn't important, because it is, but that sex IS NOT INTIMACY. Sex may be a part of intimacy but it is not the whole picture.


Intimacy can be as simple as playing a board game or planting seeds together in your garden; or intimacy can be as complex as working together in a business or getting involved in a hobby with your spouse. But couples aren't doing any of these things together anymore! They have drifted apart, each doing their own thing. When couples stop doing things together they lose the intimate bond between them they once shared when they were first married.
"I'm not in love with you anymore" actually means "I don't feel close to you anymore".


Couples NEED to have an intimate attachment with one another for marriage to be healthy. If couples aren't getting their intimate needs met in the marriage they are more apt to seek it from somewhere else. Ironically, they could be trying to bring back intimacy with their spouse but don't know where to start, or perhaps they feel resentful or angry about something their spouse did, and so they never try to get close again.


If couples do not have a bond of intimacy with each other it is inevitable the relationship will have major problems and one or both spouses will feel they aren't "in love" anymore. The good news is you can perk up your marriage and reawaken intimacy by spending quality time together. Do stuff together! Stop behaving as if "she has her life" and "he has his life". You both have your lives with each other!
Express yourselves in nice ways and be good listeners.


Be considerate and respectful of each other's feelings. Write down all the things you love about your spouse and put it under their pillow. Write down all the ways you can show your love. Be more willing to go the extra mile for your spouse. Be more loving and you will feel more loving!


Do not expect love to always feel like your first date; or the first time someone flirted with you; or that first puppy love feeling; or the way your coworker flirts with you. That's not love; that's desire and lust feelings. It's the euphoria of desire and emotions, which are fleeting moments. They are only temporary and mean nothing. They cannot fulfill your emotional holes.


What is lasting? What is lasting is the love you have for the person you married. Right now you have buried your love behind a wall of what you think love should feel like. Your attitude has literally controlled the way you think about your marriage and the person you married; the person you made a promise to love forever. I think its time you unbury that love, don't you?

Benson Julius

MODERN DAY TECHNOLOGY AND THE NIGERIAN MOTHER

Living in Nigeria makes you understand the vagaries of life especially  as mothers. I have visited a few families and friends in many countries of the world like; the US, the UK, Switzerland  even South Africa. But in all my visits to these countries, one thing they all have going for them is their effective use of modern day technology/house-helps.  I noticed that there is a maid for almost every of their house hold chores- A maid that washes clothes only (the Washing machine), one that dries the clothes (The Dryer),  one that washes the plates ( The Dish Washer) and the list goes on. 

The dynamism of technological innovations in the modern world has largely invaded the sphere of parenting which leaves the average Nigerian mom aspiring. From the inventions of the microwaves, the dish washers, washing machines, water heaters and the likes to child car seats, all in an effort to make life  a little easier for the working mom. The modern day working mom comes home from work, whatever the time, puts the frozen meals into the microwave, starts up the washing  machine, turns on the water heater and still has time to take care of other needs. The average Nigerian working mom on one hand misses out on some of these luxuries, and the un-enabling environment is largely the cause, with consistent power interruptions, power glitch and surges, the Nigerian mom is left out of this luxury no matter how hard she tries.

The activities of the average Nigerian working mom is second to none, she is the gem that knows it all, and can be the best at what she does, be a mom, as the modern technological innovations evolve, so does her uncanny ability to be that natural, caring, understanding, tough and exceptional friend and with the aid of a house help, who complement the working mom, but amidst all the jollies of the extra pair of hands, the house help can be quite a hand full  and can be more pain than pleasure, they can have very negative impacts on the working mom, sleeping with madams husband, speaking pidgin and foul languages which kids tend to pick up far too easily among a host of other negative effects. Do the maids have any positive side? If you ask me apart from helping out with chores et al, the maid could be a companion, your sister, or even confidant if you like. I know this will sound impossible to some women. But it is possible but we must get it right from day one. But the way and manner we recruit our maids matters a lot. Is the maid a professional, who ordinarily will know what is expected of her, or just one child who desperately wants to go to school but due to her parents inability to send her to school, she ends up in your home. Whatever is the story behind your own maid, try as much as possible to treat her well and with respect too. Having said that, the Nigerian mother has a lot lot more to deal with than her American counterpart. But is the Nigerian mom measuring up? The answer is a loud and resounding YES!

However, the Nigerian mom has a lot to consider while juggling between job, life and family even though she is highly accredited for her strength in dynamism, and tendency to always pull up surprises, she always finds a way of breaking new grounds and still be the worlds best mom. We are winning! Congratulations to every mom who is balancing it all!

MMDG

Nigeria at 50: Women and the Nation... BY SOKARI

The original idea for this piece was to write a short essay on Nigerian Feminism over the past 50 years.  However there are still those who feel that “feminism” is unAfrican and I feel there needs to be a discussion on what Nigerian Feminism is before one can begin to name Nigerian feminists.   I give an example. Earlier this year I was at a workshop on Gender and Militarization and we were working through ideas around “feminist methodology”.  One of the participants asked for clarification on the term ‘feminist’.  From the discussion it soon became clear that many of those present were reluctant to use the term which they associated with “lesbianism” or “man-hating” which were “unAfrican” and feminism was a western idea and as such not something they wished to be a part of.   Some consensus was reached but anything to do with same-sex desire was dismissed by all but two women including myself.    What should have come next was a discussion on whom or what can be said to be authentically African?   Who is the holder of this power to define who or what is African which assumes a static or fixed condition?   How can they do so given, for example, the cultural, linguistic and ethnic diversity in a geographical entity of nearly 1 billion people?  Even to say it is “unNigerian” is equally problematic.  

IYA IBEJI (mama twins); A Unique and Exemplary Working Mother. THE CONCLUDING PART

...Iya Beji's children have come to understand and appreciate her efforts. At such a tender age, they already know that their mother's outburst is only a form of transferred aggression. Something she's used to doing esspecially when she has had a rough day at the shop. Just then, the other "Generals", Maxwell, Joel and Emmanuel, walk into the shop. "Good afternoon Mum" they greeted. Thank God they remembered to greet this time around or maybe they too had sensed the tension in the shop. "How was school today?" she asked."Stressful" replied Maxwell, the eldest.Silently, Emmanuel goes into the shop to 'survey' for lunch but Patricia gives him that look that says food isn't ready yet...

IYA IBEJI (mama twins); A Unique and Exemplary Working Mother. PART ONE

A typical day starts with her ceaseless trips to the communal tap to fetch water into the two giant drums in the house. After laps of tireless trips, exhausted already she wakes the kids to have their bath. Getting five little hyperactive kids to sleep the previous night was a tug of war but having to wake them up from their faraway fantasies is a different story altogether.
But with patience, she helps them have their bath and then she prepares breakfast of the regular 'Agege' Bread and Tea and no matter how many times they've had it, they loved it. For them, probably the best part of waking up. But for her, only the beginning of a very long day ahead.The kids leave for school at about 7:37am. Then she begins preparation for work at the market place where she sells foodstuff for a living...

BLOSSOM EBIEFE'S BABY SHOWER

Celebrant, Sherry and Giovanni

Friends and colleagues of Blossom and Okung Ebeife hosted them to a beautiful baby shower recently in Lagos, Nigeria. The couple Okung and Blossom got married in January 2009 and are expecting their first child. Workingmomsnigeria was there to cover the event. Please sit down, watch and enjoy!

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Nigerian Dads, parenting can be fun!

Inter-house sports, choir rehearsals, end of year parties, business meetings, homemade lunches, holiday vacations, P.T.A meetings and birthday parties. Today's woman often feels she needs to bring home a paycheck, run a household and be the perfect mother. No wonder we're called super-moms - not to mention stressed out, overworked, exhausted and overwhelmed.

CHILD MARRIAGE: SAVING OUR FUTURE

Child marriage is a violation of human rights whether it happens to a girl or a boy, but it represents perhaps the most prevalent form of sexual abuse and exploitation of girls. The harmful consequences include separation from family and friends, lack of freedom to interact with peers and participate in community activities, and decreased opportunities for education. Child marriage can also result in bonded labour or enslavement, commercial sexual exploitation and violence against the victims. Because they cannot abstain from sex or insist on condom use, child brides are often exposed to such serious health risks as premature pregnancy, sexually transmitted infections and, increasingly, HIV/AIDS...

Mother's Day Poems

Mothers Day poems are a celebration of love, strength, character, selflessness, joy and family. You can write a Mothers Day Poem to any Mother in your life whether she’s your wife, sister, friend or even your own mother. The sentiments are always the same and we all know the amount that mothers give up in order to raise their children; the daily grind and the thankless tasks that go into bringing up the next generation of society. An ideal way to show our gratitude to the mothers of the world is to express it in poetry. A Mothers Day Poem can express many deeply felt emotions in only a few words and can easily stir the spirit and emotions of the recipient...

7 MONTH PREGNANT MOTHER JUMPS INTO WELL TO RESCUE DAUGHTER

It was just like any other weekend at Zango, a suburb in Ilorin Kwara State, where Mrs Iyabode Olorunnisola, a renowned broadcaster at the NTA, Ilorin, lives.Iyabo, as fondly called by her colleagues, is seven months pregnant and was just seeing off a church member- a friend and a nurse who visited her to the main road when it happened.
The incident was an admixture of a miracle and reality. It sounds like James Bond films-touchy, gripping, patently emotional. The NTA reporter wants the story told so that mothers all over the world can learn to care for their children by giving them closer attention, "Nothing is too much for them because the children are our tomorrow", she enthused.
"I was inside the living room on the faithful day around 5pm or thereabout, with my nurse friend who had earlier called me that she was paying me a visit. We were actually discussing about my state, church matters and other related issues when I overheard my house maid, Aminat," shouting at my four years old daughter to stay away from the well...

Challenges of a working mom

Before now, mothers stayed at home to take care of the children while the fathers worked and brought home money for moms to run the homes. But today there is a shift in roles as moms are not just doing the full time work at home but they are also working and bringing back money for the family's upkeep. At working moms we know that the challenges are enormous and we have decided to make this spot a resource centre for nigerian working mothers.

I will like our moms especially those in the career climbing jobs to pay attention to this. Yes you no doubt want to make an impression at your work places in order to earn your promotions and bring home the needed finances. But in doing so, I will encourage our executive moms to earn their promotions without sorrow. I want your joy to be full but how can this happen without one role being joepardised? Often, mothers make a lot of sacrifices just to be there for their children. But as a career mom it may not be easy especially in a society where corporate bodies care les about moms at work. I will like to draw your attention to an event that happened some months back infront of R-Jolad hospital in Gbagada lagos...

COMING SOON!!!

Working Moms Nigeria Magazine is a journal set to celebrate and show case the uniqueness of the typical Nigerian Working Mother; wether as a career, single or stay-at-home mom. As a one stop resource for working mothers, the magazine would serve as a veritable tool for research and learning purposes. This is a tribute to the Jewels of our society: the working mother. WATCH OUT!!!